Pen Y Fan

Pen y Fan is the highest peak in South Wales, situated in the Brecon Beacons National Park. At 886 metres (2,907 ft) above sea-level, it is also the highest peak in Britain south of the Snowdonia mountain range.

We decided to trek up Pen Y Fan on a bitterly cold and wet winters day, with plenty of snow still lingering on the mountain range. In some places this was upto knee deep, the strong gale force winds, low cloud cover and wind chill made this a rather testing walk.

The extreme weather conditions finally got the better of us, and we had to abort the trek.

We'll be back...

The Desi A-Team

A crack commando unit was sent to Coventry by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Southall underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of misfortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The Desi A-Team.

Vin was deep in a mid life crisis, his personality had undergone an overnight transition from a happy go lucky chap to a cynical old git who felt the whole world was against him. On top of this, the social life of a company accountant was becoming an unbearable burden and Vin was desperate to escape from this corporate and domestic servitude. He tried calling the Samaritans but the line was continuously engaged, now there was only one option left - the Desi A-Team.

After leaving messages in a national newspaper Vin finally made contact with the Desi A Team, and a meeting was arranged to take place at a secret location. Col. John "Hannibal" Manohar disguised as a mango selling street trader on the busy Southall Broadway made contact with Vin and promised to help this distressed individual.

At the Heston sevices on the westbound carriageway of the M4 Col. John "Hannibal" Manohar then met the rest of the Desi A-Team in the black and metallic grey people carrier. Lt. Fiaz "The Faceman", Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Q and Sgt. B.A. "Bad Attitude" Asif. The team went to task on developing a plan to help poor old Vin in his escape to freedom.

Climb a mountain to be free

The Desi A-Team were going to take Vin to Scafell Pike in the lake district and trek to the top of the highest peak in England. This walk in the great outdoors, in the company of some of the finest macho men was sure going to do the trick, B.A. Asif also recruited the services of Naveed the finest bush tracker in the northern hemisphere, who had won the accolade of tracking down Dubya to a white coloured building in Washington DC a few years earlier.

“I love it when a plan comes together” - Col. John "Hannibal" Manohar

The Desi A-team completed the circular trek from Seathwaite in Burrodale to the summit of Scafell Pike with no map. Despite getting lost and travelling for miles in the wrong direction, they were able to prove that the ancient Roman theory of all paths leading to/from Scafell Pike firmly hold truth.

“I got no time for the jibba-jabba” Sgt. B.A. "Bad Attitude" Asif

Sgt. B.A Asif was displaying his customary bad attitude, and when Vin who was a novice trekker started to fall behind the drill sergeants mannerism was evident with B.A hurling abuse at poor old Vin.

“OPEN THOSE BLOODY LEGS AND MARCH……NOTHING IS GOING TO FALL OUT”

Such harsh and offensive language began to take its toll on the mild mannered accountant Vin, as he began to fall behind and decided he would be better off marching solo.

“Life's tough, but I'm tougher!” Sgt. B.A. "Bad Attitude" Asif

In the shadows of the mountain do evil witches lurk, and they sensed their prey when the tired Vin came shuffling along. With the Desi A-Team clearly out of sight and the evening dusk gently creeping in, Vin was befriended by the legendary Blair Witch who enticed him with kind words and promises of greatness. But this was all a false pretence as the evil spirits started to gather around Vin and held him captive on the mountain top against his will.

Vin’s desperate cries for help were heard by the faceman Fiaz who accompanied by Col. John "Hannibal" Manohar, went on a highly dangerous search and rescue mission. With no communications coming through from either party, the tension was becoming intolerable for B.A. and Howling Mad Q. In the end they decided to arm themselves with the latest technological gadgetry including heat sensitive night visions, a Swiss army knife and the latest Chinese made telescopic trekking poles and went in search of their fallen colleagues.

The Desi A-Team knew that you never ever leave a soldier behind, and their immense bravery in returning to the mountain to fight off the evil Blair Witch and rescue their struggling colleagues will forever live in the annals of military history.

Afridi the gladiator

You sensed the scene was set when the Black Eyed Peas came out with the
track "Boom Boom Pow"

Enter Afridi the gladiator, swaying his mighty bat and when he has
completed the kill he stands in the middle of the arena arm lofted playing
to the blood thirsty crowds. Surely when Afridi is in that pose, arms
raised, beaming smile, chest out.....you sense that he is about to come out
with the lines..........

"I am Sahibzada Mohammad Shahid Khan Afridi. General to the armies of the
North West. A loyal servant to Younus Khan, the real captain of Pakistan.
Obedient son of a wounded nation, friend of a dead coach, and I will have
my vengeance in this T20 match"

And the vengeance was there, delivering a mature innings he was the real star

"I like that boom boom pow
Them chicks is jackin my style
They try to copy my swagger"

Balle Balle what swagger !!

"I'm on that supersonic boom"

The Sri Lankans & the South Africans were rocked by that sonic BOOM

"I'm a beast when you turn me on"

From the cornered tigers of the 1992 world cup to Afridi the lion in 2009,
the fighting instincts of the Pakistani cricket team lives on.

Pakistan Zindabad

Charity trek to Ben Nevis

Friday 4th July - went on a charity trek to Ben Nevis, in aid of the Love Water Love Life campaign run by Muslim Aid.

Despite the long and arduous coach trip to the Scottish Highlands which took over 13 hours each way I was really looking forward to climbing the highest mountain in the United Kingdon. Standing at a mighty 4,406 feet this would surely provide a worthy challenge !

On the coach I started to size up the fellow trekkers, to understand who I needed to look out for. Although it was a charity trek, I am very competitive in nature and wanted to understand the main players.....what worried me initially was the relatively young age of the walkers. With youth on their side, could this trek expose me as the middle aged chacha ji with very dodgy knees - Clearly I needed to find out more about the competitors............

Listening to the youngsters for thirty minutes on the coach, my worries were easily calmed and I knew that this trek was mine for the taking.

Profile of main characters;

# 1 - Commando GPS. Club level swimmer, up at the crack of dawn and eager as a beaver. He was the gadget king, but in the wilderness Duracell batteries don't come in handy - what you need is raw energy like Bear Grylls. That was going to be his weakness and Shere Khan (that's me - the desi version of Bear Grylls) had plently of grit and determination to march on when others would start to fall behind.

#2 - Dark Stallion. This chap was a talkaholic, the only time he shut up was when he was asleep.....oh and when he started walking too. Clearly the strain of walking uphill for several hours sapped his energy reserves and the brain had to divert the energy from his mouth to the legs. With no words coming out of his mouth, his lips never the less kept on motoring like a goldfish....resulting in excess bloating of his stomach as he was swallowing air !
The Dark Stallion ended up being the last farting king of Scotland......pppprrrrrppppp.


#3 - Bollywood star. Camera, Lights & Action.....I was worried about this guy, he was planning a trek to Karakoram in a few months time. Could this chap be the front runner ? Initially I thought this was the case, but slowly when his amateur dramatics started coming out I was pleasantly relieved. I mean Bollywood stars have limited stamina, I've never seen a star perform a dance in one routine......it's all cut, cut & cut and lots of editing with a double often stepping in. Clearly this chap would be too busy posing for the photo shoots and not focussed enough on the long march to the top of the mountain. This was evident at the waterfall, at the start, at the bridge, at 100m, at 200m..............etc etc etc

#4 - Back Packer. This guy was young, lean & fit. He had recently trekked to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro which is the highest mountain (19,340 feet) in Africa and dwarfs Ben Nevis. This chap was definitely odds on favorite in my book until I learnt that he had just returned from a traveling holiday in South East Asia. I sensed that the the Bangkok excursion would have affected his CHI energy and his performance would be adversely affected.


Clearly my people watching skills paid handsome dividends as my predictions came true, the march to the peak long but my industrious legs kept pumping away and from a group of nearly forty walkers I was the 2nd to the summit beaten by only by a younger and more energetic Samir. BIG UP to Samir the man, you walked up the mountain a boy and came down a man.

But on a serious note, the trek to Ben Nevis was a wonderful experience. To conquer the highest peak on this Island, to witness the fantastic views and to push myself for a good cause and meet some great characters in the process was a joy. Thrashing all the youngsters made me feel good too and hopefully I inspired some of my fellow walkers to train harder for the next challenge.

Remember the man in front is a chacha.........so be respectful and stay behind him.

Carry on Camping

There is nothing like the great outdoors, we're talking Marlboro country.....rugged landscapes. OK we're not in cowboy territory but the Roaches in the Peak District is a close substitute for us city slickers.

Packing in a trek of the Roaches (a rare rock formation rises steeply to 1,657ft) and camping in the peak district sounded like a fantastic adventure, and so it unfolded.

Friday afternoon and rushing up the M40 in a Peugeot 207 SW rental car which had a very bad odour fuming from the carpets was not the most pleasant of journeys. Initially I blamed one of the passengers (Q) as the smell was very cheese & onion sweaty socks type, but this was quickly denied and we realised that the carpet in the rear had been soiled by the previous occupiers.

Arriving at the Farmhouse camp site at 9pm left us with a frantic rush to set up the tent as dusk was creeping upon us, fortunately teamwork was the order of the day and we successfully managed to set up camp and even cook some snacks.

We learnt our first lesson, it gets very cold outdoors! the temperature started to drop considerably overnight and if it wasn't the cold that kept us awake it was the noise of the traffic rumbling along the Buxton Road. In the middle of the night the silence would be broken on a regular interval by trucks, cars and even motorbikes travelling along this stretch of road. At times it felt like we had set up camp on a busy roundabout !

If the traffic was a challenge to our sleep, then a radio blaring from another tent and Q farting the night away was simply torture. Having slept for only a couple of hours, we were pleasantly woken by the beautiful sunrise creeping over the green hilly pastures. This was the perfect time to knock up some breakfast and start marching.

The trek to the Roaches started off gently but once Fiaz saw a steep vertical climb there was no stopping him. This chap has a very sharp radar which misses out nothing at all, and the 1,600 ft climb was well on its way.

Despite the bitter coldness and persistent rain we continued our trek along the Roaches heading towards Luds Church - a deep millstone grit chasm created by a massive landslip. This amazing landslips looked like something out of the set of an Indiana Jones film...... quite possibly "Indian Jones and the search for the crystal fruit bowl".

So a good walk, some fantastic bird watching despite the persistent rain and cold conditions and lack of sleep. When we returned to our tent we could not face another nights sleeping under the axles of lorries & trucks so headed to Birmingham to enjoy a nice curry and refuel our bodies.

From Team to Eam

April 26th 2008 and the first trek of the year in Cheddar Gorge.

Spring was definitely in the air, with the sun shining on us as we climbed the 100 metre heights of the UK's largest gorge. My lunch box weighed me down as I struggled to make my way up to the top of the cliffs, in hindsight 3 litres of fluid, 3 sub rolls, 2 energy bars, 5 bananas, 4 apples were maybe a little too much. Clearly I need to carry less of the food mountain and climb more !!

The challenge for me is now to improve my fitness and be ready for the next climb at the end of May in the Peak district, this time I'll be leading from the front for sure !

Our long serving buddy Tiger Tony aka Tari aka Tahir aka "T" a veteran of many a walk let down the boys and failed to turn up, hence the Team without "T" ended up as an EAM.

A message to T - papa stop making excuses, and get your butt down to the Peak district next month ! We sense that you're under the thumb, don't be a caged tiger it's time to roam free & enjoy the great outdoors with the lads.

As the pictures show the EAM had a great time, we even discovered our very own Mission Impossible stunt man ready to abseil from nearly 400 feet !!!

WBC Welterweight Championship

Pretty Stallion aka PAISA v. Hitman Kori

This will be a 12-round contest for the WBC welterweight championship.
"Somebody's 0 has got to go - Let's get reaaaaaaaady to ruuuuuuuumble!"


Round 1

The two undefeated boxers are sizing each other up, it's a cagey opening, but Hitman Kori is stalking Pretty Stallion

Round 2

Hitman Kori lands a huge jab, but cannot follow up. Pretty Stallion starts to pick up the pace and hits back with a couple of big rights

Round 3

Pretty Stallion unleashes an explosive combination, booming left hook followed by a big right hand all landing square on the head. These are damaging blows and it's all over as the referee steps in and the contest is all over.



There's only one Pretty Stallion,
One Pretty Stallion,
Galloping along,
Singing a song,
Cantering in a Money Wonderland


Pictures - www.thefirstpost.co.uk

The Dictator’s New Clothes

Once upon a time there lived a dictator who was quite a nasty and evil ruler. He locked up the prince charming and former cricket world cup winning captain and sacked all the honest judges in the country.

This nasty dictator cared only about himself and his clothes, he always wore the finest khaki military suits that his rupees could buy. Day and night, every day of the week the big bad nasty dictator always wore the same style of uniform although the colours would vary from khaki to various shades of blue and green.

One day he heard from the mastered tailors Bush & Bush that they could make him the finest suit of clothes from the most beautiful cloth available to mankind. This cloth, the tailor said, also had the special feature that it was invisible to anyone who was either stupid or not fit for his position.

Being a bit nervous about whether he himself would be able to see the cloth, the dictator sent two of his trusted generals to see it. Of course, neither would admit that they could not see the cloth and so praised it saying that this was the finest thing they had ever seen.

Despite the TV stations being off the air, word still got around and the people of this big land were very interested to learn about the dictator’s new suit. The big bad ugly ruler then allowed himself to be dressed in the new clothes for a procession through the city, after receiving a very large treasure chest full of dollars and gold from the evil witch Ms C Rice.

The dictator never admitting that he was too unfit and stupid to see what he was wearing, wore the new clothes and marched through the capital like a proud peacock.

Of course, under the state of emergency all the people wildly praised the magnificent clothes of the dictator, afraid to admit that they could not see them, until a small child shouted:

"But he has nothing on!"

This was whispered from person to person until everyone in the crowd was shouting that the dictator had nothing on! The nasty and evil dictator heard it and felt that they were correct, but still held his head high and continued the procession to the grand palace.

RnB ?? gimme some RLB anyday

Tuned into BBC Asian Network on the radio this morning, and they're playing RnB !

Come on guys if I wanted to listen to Rhythm and Blues I would have tuned to another station, give me some R L B anyday

R L B = Mohammed Rafi - Lata Mangeshkar - Asha Bhosle

Here's a song dedicated to all the beautiful people out there who appreciate fine music....enjoy.

Khaki donkey

If a gorilla can play the drums surely it's time a donkey dressed in Khaki realised that you can't run a country by force.

Beating up General Pervez Musharraf

FREE THE JUDICIARY
FREE THE MEDIA
FREE ALL POLITICAL PRISONERS
FREE PAKISTAN

No Problem ?

The problem is there is no real problem but only a problem in the minds of those who perceive a problem.

And in this case this is a very big problem which they then try to offload onto the wider population creating a mega problem.

Ultimately this problem escalates into a mother of all problems and the problem then is how to resolve this problem without causing further problems.

No Problem !

The Six Million Ruppee Blog

Desi Life, blog, a site barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild this, we have the technology. We have the capability to make the worlds first Bionic blog. DesiLife will be that blog. Better than it was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.

So watch this space to witness the creativity which can be generated by Rs 6,000,000

In case the above intro rings any bells with the ageing readers.......it's from the Bionic Man, a cult series from the 1970's which was one of my favourite tv programmes.

Traditional Desi Man the Hunter-Gatherer

“Me man, me hunt meat, me bring fire, ugh”

Fine words echoed by man over generations and repeated in the Khan household this weekend.

Sitting behind a desk all day armed with only a pencil sharpener, a couple of standard HB pencils some post it notes plus Microsoft Excel and developing business models to improve corporate profitability it’s quite easy for man to become a little detached from his traditional hunter side. But this desi man has found the perfect fix for this situation – BBQ. Cooking food outdoors helps to feed a man’s inner hunter-gatherer feelings.

So this weekend I popped into my local Halaal butchers and picked up some fine chicken, mince meat & some masaala fish and then started a bbq in my back garden. I’m proud to sport the fact that although the kitchen is a “no go” zone for me, cooking in the great outdoors is second nature and my speciality. The BBQ is after all the only time when I take full control of the food chain, from sourcing the meat, to lighting the fire, preparing the food and cooking some fine meals this traditional desi man is exercising his “hunter-gatherer” side.

So guys invest in a BBQ and reconnect to your traditional hunter-gatherer side and remember those words. “Me man, me hunt meat, me bring fire, ugh”

Political Asylum

A top legal team from the Dublin firm Seamus Paddy and Paddy (leading firm of immigration solicitors - no win no fee)has flown out to Jamaica.

They will be offering legal advice on claiming political asylum in the Republic of Ireland to the Pakistani cricket team.

Bob Woolmer rip

Today I learnt the tragic news that Bob Woolmer, the Pakistani cricket coach passed away. This is shocking news and I'm deeply saddened to hear this, for me a passionate Pakistani cricket supporter the whole weekend has been a very sad affair. Firstly the loss to Ireland and early exit from the 2007 world cup, and now the death of Bob Woolmer.

I met Bob in a hotel lobby in Islamabad in December 2005, and although he was checking out and about to board a flight he was very courteous to offer me an opportunity to take some photos with him. I will treasure these images very dearly as in my opinion Bob was an excellent coach who tried his best to guide a volatile Pakistani side that were capable of great things but tended to excel in underachieving. He will be deeply missed by the cricketing world.

Reading Bob’s web site it quotes

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is the present – a gift to make the most of

How true these wise words echo, “Today” is a gift so treasure and cherish the moment.

Finally as Pakistan start to rebuild their side after this abysmal world cup performance, I hope they will learn from the unrivalled passion and professionalism displayed by Bob Woolmer. A native Englishman, he admired the incredible talent on display in the Pakistan camp and worked extremely hard to harness it.

Dark day for Pakistani cricket, Golden day for the Irish

Watching Pakistan put up a poor and pathetic performance against part timers Ireland has made me feel physically sick.

I've been eating bar after bar of chocolate to let the sweet taste of confectionary overcome the bitter taste of defeat as I witness my cricket team lose another game, and what makes this so difficult to acknowledge is the opposition and nature of the game the Pakistanis have been playing over recent times.

This is only the world cup, a tournament held every four years and after the disastrous performance of the last campaign in South Africa when Pakistan were sent packing after the first round it seems the team have learnt nothing.

With my calorie intake in the last thirty minutes exceeding the total runs Pakistan have scored throughout this tournament, I am signing off to consume some more chocolate and alleviate the emotional pain driven by the poor cricket.

Officially I’m now taking up golf and I suggest the current Pakistan cricket team, management & PCB all resign their positions as they are all disastrous at their jobs.

Well played to the Irish.

Basant

The Basant festival has recently taken place in Pakistan. With thousands of kites flying and performing dog fights across the Lahore skyline, this provides a really colourful sperctre…but at what price?

I mean something is seriously wrong if you’re using kite strings coated in glass so that you can have kite fights and bring down other kites ? Where’s the fun if the string gets caught around some innocent victims neck ?

And what about the latest metal reinforced wires short-circuiting the electricity supplies and cause power outages as well as electrocuting the unsuspecting victims.

Then there’s cases of kids falling off rooftops whilst engrossed in their kite flying. Come on guys sort it out, can we please have less fatalities during the festival.

Anyway for the desi’s in the UK, I’m planning our very own British Basant Festival in a local park. So get your kites ready and leave comments if you’re interested.

No glass coated or metal reinforced wires !

GT Road

Today my company sent me on an advanced driving course, as part of a corporate health and safety drive. My trainer was an ex police driving instructor with over 30 years of driving experience, so I was really looking forward to a day of cruising with the opportunity to learn new motoring skills.

Driving a Honda CRV around the Hampshire countryside, the instructor was really impressed with my smooth but assertive driving style. Had I been on a similar course before? He asked, nope….this was the first course since my driving lessons all those years ago.

So where had I learnt all these advanced motoring skills? ….the Instructor was curious to find out and learn the secret of my advanced driving abilities.

Well I explained to him that during my visits to Pakistan, I had often experienced the white knuckle rides on the GT road. And from simply sitting in the passenger seat I had passively learnt the art of advanced driving by watching the masters at work.

If you can drive in the traffic of Lahore, dodge the obstacles on the GT road, and avoid mega potholes at 100 kmh you are most definitely an advanced motorist. Driving in the Hampshire countryside is a no brainer !

Well even the mighty have bad days, just like Michael Schumacher being bumped off the track by a back marker a white van driver today skidded and slammed his vehicle into the Honda CRV.


Definitely a case of “nazar lag gayi”.

Grand Trek (GT) 5 and a bit

Grand Trek (GT) 5 and a bit

Dedicated to Sergeant Major Baz who has gone AWOL

The Desi Ramblers Association with a combined age of 192.5 years, but shrinking membership numbers following Baz’z decision to leave these shores for greener pastures in Dubai were in action over the weekend with the first trek of 2007.

Despite the military precision tactical route planning undertaken by myself with master plan A, and suitable backups B and C the group decided to adopt the traditional desi “Chaos theory” approach.

So complete disorder was the order of the day, equipped with nothing more than essential food supplies as Napolean proved that an army cannot march on an empty stomach we started our advance towards Amersham. There was talk in the ranks of a splendid kebab shop next to the station, and this was our planned resting point to stock up on essential provisions and to take a well earned break in the officer’s mess.

Deciding to take the scenic route we followed public pathways wherever possible, and whenever we came across forks in the route good old guesswork was the strategic decider on which way to go. After striding away for almost two hours in a somewhat circular motion we learnt that we were only half a mile closer to our destination point.

To avoid any possible mutiny in the ranks the group collectively took the decision to walk on the streets, as the road signs would at least offer an assurance that we were heading in the right direction.

At this point my K-SWISS trainers began to bite into my feet and heavy blisters started forming on the rear of my right heel. It appeared that once again I was going to be the weakest link, and the success or failure of the team’s mission was now dependant on how I would fight the pain barrier.

After marching for another hour we came across a road sign that showed we still had a further six miles to go, and then there would be the trek back. So in the interests of self preservation we decided to change the goal posts and start heading back to base camp.

Unfortunately the route back was not as simple as we had thought, and despite walking across golf courses, railway stations, damp and soggy fields and even trying unsuccessfully to negotiate a ride on a pony the long walk back seemed to get further and further.

At this point Manohar and Fiaz despite wearing the high visibility raincoats which can be seen upto a distance of two miles simply disappeared from the horizon. My blistered feet, and aching limbs slowed down my progress to a very slow and painful pace. Qummer and Tahir were trying their best to keep me motivated and focussed on struggling through the last few miles and completing the mission.

The last hour was the hardest, but this was also the most rewarding as I discovered new physical and mental limits as I could picture the food on the table waiting for me so each step became less painful and the aroma of delicious food eased the pain in my body.

Finally reaching base camp, enjoying a therapeutic shower, lovely meal and some gup shup (chit chat) with the lads it was all worth it…..until the pains started to creep back.

Oh the stiff and aching body, the blisters on my feet,soreness of the back, tired muscles as a result of the marathon non stop walking session which stretched for over six hours !

People ask me why do we do it? Cars were invented for exactly this reason, so man does not have to walk. Typical comments are - Are you guys paagal (stupid) walking like lunatics?, only a couple more years and you'll get free bus passes so save your explorations until then.

They may talk the talk but WE WALK THE WALK !