GT Road

Today my company sent me on an advanced driving course, as part of a corporate health and safety drive. My trainer was an ex police driving instructor with over 30 years of driving experience, so I was really looking forward to a day of cruising with the opportunity to learn new motoring skills.

Driving a Honda CRV around the Hampshire countryside, the instructor was really impressed with my smooth but assertive driving style. Had I been on a similar course before? He asked, nope….this was the first course since my driving lessons all those years ago.

So where had I learnt all these advanced motoring skills? ….the Instructor was curious to find out and learn the secret of my advanced driving abilities.

Well I explained to him that during my visits to Pakistan, I had often experienced the white knuckle rides on the GT road. And from simply sitting in the passenger seat I had passively learnt the art of advanced driving by watching the masters at work.

If you can drive in the traffic of Lahore, dodge the obstacles on the GT road, and avoid mega potholes at 100 kmh you are most definitely an advanced motorist. Driving in the Hampshire countryside is a no brainer !

Well even the mighty have bad days, just like Michael Schumacher being bumped off the track by a back marker a white van driver today skidded and slammed his vehicle into the Honda CRV.


Definitely a case of “nazar lag gayi”.

Grand Trek (GT) 5 and a bit

Grand Trek (GT) 5 and a bit

Dedicated to Sergeant Major Baz who has gone AWOL

The Desi Ramblers Association with a combined age of 192.5 years, but shrinking membership numbers following Baz’z decision to leave these shores for greener pastures in Dubai were in action over the weekend with the first trek of 2007.

Despite the military precision tactical route planning undertaken by myself with master plan A, and suitable backups B and C the group decided to adopt the traditional desi “Chaos theory” approach.

So complete disorder was the order of the day, equipped with nothing more than essential food supplies as Napolean proved that an army cannot march on an empty stomach we started our advance towards Amersham. There was talk in the ranks of a splendid kebab shop next to the station, and this was our planned resting point to stock up on essential provisions and to take a well earned break in the officer’s mess.

Deciding to take the scenic route we followed public pathways wherever possible, and whenever we came across forks in the route good old guesswork was the strategic decider on which way to go. After striding away for almost two hours in a somewhat circular motion we learnt that we were only half a mile closer to our destination point.

To avoid any possible mutiny in the ranks the group collectively took the decision to walk on the streets, as the road signs would at least offer an assurance that we were heading in the right direction.

At this point my K-SWISS trainers began to bite into my feet and heavy blisters started forming on the rear of my right heel. It appeared that once again I was going to be the weakest link, and the success or failure of the team’s mission was now dependant on how I would fight the pain barrier.

After marching for another hour we came across a road sign that showed we still had a further six miles to go, and then there would be the trek back. So in the interests of self preservation we decided to change the goal posts and start heading back to base camp.

Unfortunately the route back was not as simple as we had thought, and despite walking across golf courses, railway stations, damp and soggy fields and even trying unsuccessfully to negotiate a ride on a pony the long walk back seemed to get further and further.

At this point Manohar and Fiaz despite wearing the high visibility raincoats which can be seen upto a distance of two miles simply disappeared from the horizon. My blistered feet, and aching limbs slowed down my progress to a very slow and painful pace. Qummer and Tahir were trying their best to keep me motivated and focussed on struggling through the last few miles and completing the mission.

The last hour was the hardest, but this was also the most rewarding as I discovered new physical and mental limits as I could picture the food on the table waiting for me so each step became less painful and the aroma of delicious food eased the pain in my body.

Finally reaching base camp, enjoying a therapeutic shower, lovely meal and some gup shup (chit chat) with the lads it was all worth it…..until the pains started to creep back.

Oh the stiff and aching body, the blisters on my feet,soreness of the back, tired muscles as a result of the marathon non stop walking session which stretched for over six hours !

People ask me why do we do it? Cars were invented for exactly this reason, so man does not have to walk. Typical comments are - Are you guys paagal (stupid) walking like lunatics?, only a couple more years and you'll get free bus passes so save your explorations until then.

They may talk the talk but WE WALK THE WALK !

Atif Rocks & the weekend is here - enjoy

Hum Kis Gali




Dhoorie




Tere Bin




Atif Aslam is my favourite singer, he has a unique style and sings great songs. I love his music....enjoy

Chase of the Jat

Chase of the Jat, a spoof short comedy based on the legendary Pakistani film Maula Jat released in 1979 starring Mustafa Qureshi as the villain Noori Nuth and Sultan Rahi in the lead role.

Cricket for Monkeys

You have two sides one out in the field and one in .

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .

When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .

Sometimes you get men still in and not out .

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !

HOWZAT !!!!!

Apna Claim dot con

These days we are inundated with television advertising for a “no win no fee” accident claim service.

Hey, what’s going on? Have people forgotten what honesty means? Can’t people just work hard the age old traditional way and earn an honest living without the temptations of making a quick buck from falsifying insurance claims?


Had a road accident?
Yes – ring us and we can make you rich.
No – ring us and we can make something up, it’ll make you rich.

When claiming don’t forget the phantom passengers, that’s worth an additional 50% !

Courtesy car delivered to your door with advance payment of £100, ideal for the long weekend away to see your cousins in Manchester.

Injury at work?
Have you tried the bad back trick?

If you’re office based, then stress related illness is the flavour of the month. Just act like you’ve lost the plot, book a few appointments with psychiatrists and the cheques in the post.


Slip, Trip or fall?
Let’s find someone to blame and generate a claim.


Medical negligence?
Doctor didn’t make you feel better, let’s sue the NHS trust.

Any other personal injury claim?
Somebody stepped on your big toe? That’s personal injury - let’s sue them for emotional and physical distress.

Been battered black and blue by your wife ? Did she throw the tava at you? you may be entitled to compensation……..

Don't delay ring me today on 0800 0 00 000 0000 00000

To Grunt or not to grunt ?

The other week I was attending my weekly kobo class (exercise using the controlled movements of Martial Arts, with a dash of Thai-boxing, mixed up with some high intensity aerobic dancercise to the backdrop of a funky dance tune). Before you say anything let me emphasise that this is NOT a GIRLY class !

Anyway the class is run by a highly energetic guy who is the British version of Mr T , the guy is a top motivator and a real entertainer and at the same time pushes the class to their physical limits.

My target is to become a lean mean fighting machine and to improve my overall cardio vascular fitness, anyway the issue I have is when I strain and push myself in the class I grunt and shriek and make lots of sound effects. My strategy is clear, I need to release all the energy in my body otherwise it tightens me up.

Although these sound effects allow me to push myself to new limits, they are annoying to the rest of the class. The moaining, groaning, grunting and occasional farting is disturbing the concentration and focus of the rest of the class.

Last Thursday the instructor was commenting on my martial arts-style howls, and when I was crying "AAAAHHH AAAAHHH UUUGGGHHH OOOOHHHH EEEEEEHHHHH" whilst performing my sit ups the other students were in hysterical laughter.

I mean if a man can no longer grunt in peace what's happening to the world we live in?

Check out this YouTube video, I'm not the only grunter in town !

Charlie and the chocolate factory

Ever since reading Charlie and the chocolate factory as a little lad I was fascinated by the confectionary industry. All those lovely bright coloured sweets and the scrumptious chocolates – how were they made? Was there a magic formula ? Did Oompa Loompas really exist? Was there really a wild and wacky Willy Wonka running the show?

Finally in 2001 I was handed an opportunity to pursue my childhood dream of working for a confectionary company and I’ve recently gone back to work on a short term contract whilst I was between jobs.

Well having been on the inside I can reveal that unfortunately the Oompa Loompas have been replaced by fully automated state of the art chocolate making machines. But despite the industrialisation in the manufacturing process it’s still a fun place to work. The people, culture, and ways of working are great and I have learnt so much from my five years in the Chocolate factory.

Thank you & goodby to the chocolate factory !

Photo of the market finance team; Louise, Paul, Asif, Jane, Lynn, James, Nathan & Rachel.

Pimp My Ride Desi Style

Early on Sunday morning there was a knock at the door, not the Jehovah’s again! I thought to myself as I wearily made my way downstairs psyching myself up to hurl some abuse at the person knocking away at my door. Ready to shout out “OI THWADI “I was surprised to see the “Pimp my Ride desi style team”, WOW was this real?

I mean these days bling is king, and style is everything. On these streets, if your car isn't fully pimped out, you'd be better off walking.

My humble little motor, the Avenis, a loyal run around for the last couple of years was going to be overhauled and turned into a head turning mean machine. This was metamorphosis of the unbelievable kind.

Transforming an old 1.8 litre family saloon into a state of the art eight cylinder racing machine. Equipped with a finely balanced aluminum chassis, with the engine switched to the rear and replaced with a V8 F1 race tuned engine capable of unleashing an incredible 400 BHP and achieve a top speed of 180 mph. WOW that’s fast!

The tilt and slide sunroof was out, well actually the whole roof was torn off and replaced with a super dooper electric cabriolet version.

And the finishing touches on the paintwork, the metallic green was going to be replaced with a fine scarlet red….the very beautiful racing colours of the Ferrari racing team as driven by one of my sporting heroes Michael Schumacher.

Looking at the finished article, I was completely overwhelmed at the professional transformation undertaken by the Pimp my ride team. My new car was incredible and apart from the car mats every single aspect of the old Avenis was changed.

The Mille Miglia exhaust system generated a beautiful sound which was so harmonious and a joy to listen to. Driving this fine car around the streets was attracting so much attention as crowds flocked to marvel at a brilliant piece of engineering.

I then headed towards the local grocery shop to buy a few items, unfortunately I discovered that you can’t get a 32kg bag of fine wholemeal Chapati Atta in the boot. So I’m afraid the car has to go back.

Sh*t happens get over it

That Which Does Not Kill Us
Makes Us Stronger.

Depression in the mind and severe compression lower down

There will be no blog entry today as the author is suffering from depression driven by the disastrous performance of the Pakistani team in the 5th ODI in South Africa.

Valentines Day

Where is the love?

On this day of love, when you go out to buy some overpriced roses spare a thought and ask yourself where is the love?


There is too much death and destruction in the world
Where is the love?

Sunni and Shia Muslims killing each other in Iraq
Where is the love?

The American armed forces shooting everything in their sights
Where is the love?

The Israelis oppressing the Palestinians
Where is the love?

Bloody conflict in Afghanistan
Where is the love?

Murder in Mogadishu
Where is the love?

Death in Darfour
Where is the love?

Kashmiri blood flowing in the valley
Where is the love?

Chaos and confusion in Chechnya
Where is the love?

Mass mortality in the Congo
Where is the love?

Guns galore, shootings in cities
Where is the love?

Colour v. Colour
Where is the love?

Religion v. Religion
Where is the love?

Caste v. Caste
Where is the love?

Tribe v. Tribe
Where is the love?

Nation v. Nation
Where is the love?

Brother v. Brother
Where is the love?

How ironic that on this day of “love”, even cupid carries a bow and arrow.
Where is the love?

World Cup Squad

Pakistan have short listed 15 players for the ICC cricket world cup to be staged in the Caribbean, does this team have the depth and quality to capture the biggest prize in the cricketing world?

What is the Dhoosra opinion?

The opening batsmen need to have strong techniques which unfortunately the Pakistanis are struggling with. It is very important to lay a solid foundation from which the middle and late order can propel a big score. Also playing against a white ball which is liable to experience strong movements early on, the need for a strong opening pair is vital. Losing early wickets means the middle order are placed under additional pressures, the bowling side is attacking and playing through all the powerplays. As a consequence of this the batting side is left playing catch up.

Hafeez and Nazir are a liability and will be exposed by any decent opening bowlers.

The Pakistani middle order is arguably the best in the world. Yousaf, Younis & Inzimam have collectively played over 750 ODI’s and scored in excess of 23,000 runs. The experience and class of these players is exceptional and if these guys can settle into an innings be ready for some fine stroke play. The key objective for the openers is to protect the middle order from the early moving ball, and to see off the opening spell. This could be Pakistan’s Achilles heel, and the other teams will be working on uprooting the openers early on to target this immensely powerful middle order.

Later order comprising Afridi, Razaaq and Shoaib Malik with a license to kill in the last fifteen overs will send fear across the bowling sides. The firepower that this trio can unleash is incredible and capable of changing the course of a game within 30 minutes. The weakness is that generally these big guns only adopt one strategy of exploding, and if they aren’t careful they are capable of self destructing.

The bowling combination of Shoaib Akhtar, Umar Gul, Mohammed Asif, and Danish Kaneria is a dream selection on paper. In reality how many times have they played together in a one day or test series? Not often enough! The seamers are carrying injuries and two of the three broke down recently in South Africa, this is a high risk strategy to pick injured players who are not match fit.

We saw in the football world cup with England the risk that this can play, and if I was a gambling man would I bet on all three playing in the most vital games? Probably not. The danger is the second choice bowlers – Rana is in dreadful form, giving away runs like they are about to go out of fashion. I personally would not have selected him based on recent form, and the same applies to the wicket keeper Kamran Akmal. For someone who is struggling with the bat and the gloves maybe a holiday and rest from the game is the best solution.

Pakistan should make it to the Super Eight, but here the real world cup starts. They need to win probably 4 out of 6 games to ensure a chance of making the semi finals. The other teams are most likely to be Sri Lanka, South Africa, India, West Indies, Australia, England and New Zealand.

Sri Lanka – a strong one day outfit with bat and ball, possible champions.
South Africa – Challenging Australia for the no.1 spot, form team based on recent results.
India - Pakistan have always struggled against their rivals India in world cup finals
West Indies – advantage of playing at home, and good one day unit
Australia – the kings of cricket, slipped to England recently. Is this a sign of the things to come?
England – Strong performance against Australia, with Pieterson fit they will be even better and more confident of staging an upset.
New Zealand – probably the weakest of the list, but have some hard hitting players suited to the one day game

Pakistan – unpredictable, depends on the fitness of the bowlers and how the openers cope. The heart says they will go all the way and win the world cup for the second time but the wise head says there are too many question marks on the form/fitness of key players which could be a risk.

Squad:
1 Inzamam-ul-Haq (capt),
2 Younis Khan (vice-captain),
3 Mohammad Hafeez,
4 Imran Nazir,
5 Mohammad Yousuf,
6 Shoaib Malik,
7 Abdul Razzaq,
8 Shahid Afridi,
9 Kamran Akmal,
10 Shoaib Akhtar,
11 Mohammad Asif,
12 Umar Gul,
13 Danish Kaneria
14 Rana Naved-ul-Hasan,
15 Rao Iftikhar Anjum

Oh in case anyone from the PCB is reading this, I am available as 16th man……strategist, motivator or just water carrier……. I’m your man

Jawaani ke din chaar (the days of youth are but four)

The interesting concept here which I am trying to understand is does Jawaani refer to the youthful years say from 15 to 24? or does it cover the broader phase of early adulthood?

Researching into the semesters of life we can split these into six stages, which would support the argument that Jawaani really does end at 40 !

Stage Age
Infancy birth 0- 2
Childhood 2 - 12
Adolescence 13 - 19
Early Adulthood 20 - 39
Middle Adulthood 40 - 64
Late Adulthood 65+

Oh dear, I was hoping to be able to stretch the definition of Jawaani until my 50th birthday....but this scientific evidence proves otherwise. It's time to accept old father time has finally caught me up.

Old man signing off

The Hi-Lo strategy

Many years ago whilst studying O level Maths I learnt about the Sine curve, at the time I did not fully understand the concept but now a quarter of a century later I have experienced the practical realities of this curve with its steep peaks and deep troughs.

The form of the Pakistani cricket team follows such cyclical highs and lows. When they play good they are simply awesome and for the loyal and passionate fan like myself the ecstatic feeling which shoots through the body can only be matched by a 45 second freefall from 13,000 ft. Accelerating from 0-120mph in 10 secs, that’s one big adrenalin rush ! ….which is easily substituted by witnessing the electrifying pace and hostility of Shoaib Akhtar, the destructive batting of Afridi, the accuracy and movement of Asif, or the superb timing of Mohammed Yousaf. When the team performs to their natural abilities, the cricket is beautiful to watch, a wonderful masterpiece and exhibition of the highest quality - pure geniuses at work

And then there are days like today, when the South Africans completely hammered us. It was embarrassing to watch, the game being so one sided it was like watching grown men play with school kids. The players lacked application, grit, and the will to compete in the game…it was so depressing to watch.

Hand me the prozac…………

Chak De Phuttay

Went out with the lads to celebrate my new job and ended up at Masti in Wembley.

It was a fantastic night meeting up with MSG, Mr T, Shoums, the Don Raja and Suleman aka drug dealer (the pharmacy kind).

The Dhol players were excellent as they ripped a good beat....balle balle, and between us we definitely changed a few light bulbs !

England win the cricket !!

Well done to the England team for finally beating the Aussies, good on ya’.
The desilife blogspot has uncovered the secret of England’s success, it’s the new trainers that Saj is wearing. Developed using F1 technology the enlarged surface area allows for improved grip and traction and has been a major factor in Saj’s ability to bowl faster and with increased accuracy.

BIG UP to Shouma Khan a loyal England cricket fan from Saj's home town of Bolton, and special mention to Chris Carson, congratulations on the win. But remember it will be a lot tougher playing against Pakistan in the world cup.

When the going gets tough - the tough get going

Five centimetres of snow and all the schools are shut – that’s diabolical !

Now when I was a lad we used to have real winters pre the global warming era and schools never closed, I remember walking over 2 miles through 6 inches of snow (that’s 15 centimetres for the Euro converts) and these were the days when most houses didn’t even have central heating.

With cold feet, a dripping nose, and strong northerly winds myself together with a whole nation of school kids marched like Captain Robert Scott steadfast in our efforts to reach our school and acquire knowledge. Fuelled with some desi style Scotts Porridge oats and washed down with a mixture of grounded almonds and hot milk.

[Desi definition of porridge : Dalia, North Indian Breakfast item, primarily made of crushed (dulit) wheat grain boiled with water and preferably milk]

The cold weather made us tougher, and even more determined to go about our every day tasks and duties. It was this get up and go attitude that made me the man I am today. By going for the easy option and shutting schools when there is a few centimetres of snow what message are we sending out to the future generations?

If the going gets tough, just don’t do it.

NO! NO! NO!, this is all wrong, we need to be strong and encourage our children to learn to “toughen it out” – because that quality will serve them well in the future. Remember when the going gets tough the tough get going.

Curry Night

Thursday evening was curry night at Gifto's Lahore Karahi in Southall, what better way to warm up after the first snow showers of the winter?

Met up with former work colleagues and it was a really great night. good spicy food, brilliant company and a fantastic opportunity to catch up with these great guys whom I hadn’t seen for over three months since I’d quit working for a car rental company in London.

Carsten was following in my footsteps and also resigned to move onto bigger and better things. So it was good to meet up with all the guys, and to see off our German friend……
Wishing him all the success in his new role, working for a media company in Frankfurt.

Carsten viel Glück und Glückwünsche !

May the force be with you Jedi’s Chris G, Chris C, Carsten and Azu as you fight the dark side.

Sheer Brilliance

The magic in pakistani cricket was on display yesterday in Durban when the boys in green walloped the South Africans and won by 141 runs.

Boom Boom Afridi’s unadulterated explosive power play, Mohammed Yousaf’s sublime and majestic stroke play, and Mohammed Asif’s marathon 10 over stint at the start of the game choked the in form South African run machine.

Nice play boys, now please work on improving the consistency and the greatest cricketing prize (world cup) is yours for the taking.

It's Snowtime !

It's snowing here in England, the temperature has been very cold over the last few days and finally the snow has arrived too.

In London the temperature is currently around 1C with about 3 to 4cm of snow, and still falling.

Seekh & Destroy

Came home for lunch today and tucked into some delightful seekh kebabs that my wife had lovingly made for me.

In Pakistani culture the prosperity of a man is not measured by the size of his bank balance but instead by the size of his waist. If you’re too slim, expect the elder ladies (mothers, aunties, grandmothers etc) to complain that the poor wife is not feeding her hard working husband. If the wife in question is herself of a generous proportions (moti biwi) and the husband is a lean chap beware - then this can be a very sensitive topic

The aunty talk around the coffee tables will be like;
“Oh we can see where all the food is going ….”

Anyway getting back to the seekh kebabs, these were very spicy and extremely tasty… a touch on the chilly side but much better than the bland food available in the work canteen.

The only problem was when I returned to the office, I could still smell the kebabs !, and with each minute going by the aroma was getting stronger. What was the source of the smell? I rushed to the gents and washed my hands using a generous quantity of soap but the smell of kebabs did not disappear.

I returned to my desk, and was getting really paranoid as my smell sensors were working overtime and fixated to the aroma of spicy kebabs. Everytime a fellow co-worker came near me to ask a question or have a social chat I would take a step back or propel my chair in a reverse direction to maintain a 1.5 metre exclusion zone.

This smell was really getting to my head, I was no longer able to concentrate on work issues but my mind bringing visions of garam masala, garlic, ginger, coriander, green chilli, and even pomegranate. No longer was I just smelling the kebabs, I was now having visions of all the ingredients too!

Across the office I saw my manager making way towards me to discuss long term strategic planning. I needed to move fast, and just like Jason Bourne in the Bourne Identity film I had mapped out all the escape routes from my desk. All those years of hard physical training finally paid off as I made a dash for the canteen, but as I walked past the HR dept I had a flashback just like Jason …. “trouser pocket “, and there it was a - a paper napkin. I had cleaned my hands with the paper napkin after eating the kebabs and instead of disposing of the paper in the bin I simply folded it and placed it in my trouser pocket.

Seekh & Destroy paper napkin - mission accomplised, and I didn't require any instructions from Treadstone 71.

The moral of the story is to keep eating those fine kebabs that your wife makes for you but get rid of the napkins. Also keep training hard, and map out all the escape routes as you don't know when they'll come in handy !

LEAVE OUR BLOGS ALONE !

Yesterday I learn that my blog has been banned in Pakistan, the links on the Pakistani Bloggers server has been removed for reasons unknown.

Researching on the internet I have learnt that censorship of blogs is standard practice in Pakistan, and despite my site being non political it has suffered the same fate as the wider blogger community who have had the voices silenced by the authorities.

Fellow bloggers I salute you, keep the blogs going…..don’t let censorship dishearten you. We need to encourage political and intellectual debate in Pakistan.

LEAVE OUR BLOGS ALONE !

Bang bang, I shot you down

Bang bang, I shot you down

Bang bang, you hit the ground

Not in a Pizza Hut Restaurant in Islamabad, Pakistan - strictly no arms allowed

Jose Mourinho of the cricket world ?

Danish Kaneria, Vikram Solanki and Kabir Ali, discussing cricket tactics with the master tactician of the gentlemanly game - Dr Cricket himself.

Unfortunately the wisdom parted by this self confessed cricket guru did not assist these players, Kabir and Vikram have both been dropped from the England side and Danish was snubbed by the Pakistan cricket board for the South African One Dayers and is also unlikely to feature in the forthcoming world cup.

Despite labeling himself as the Jose Mourinho of the cricket world, the Doc has not yet delivered any silverware for any of the teams he has been connected to. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Doc has switched his attention to the Brian Lara Cricket League on the PS2 circuit.

Pakistan slump in cricket

Can this be the reason behind the recent Pakistani slump in cricket?

With shocking results against South Africa in the Twenty20 and opening one day international at Centurion Park, the Pakistanis were smashed all over the park for an amazing 521 runs of only 70 overs.

The Desilife Blog has gained world exclusive access to pictures of the Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer discussing match strategies with a mystery man, whom for legal reasons we can only refer to as Mr K. Our hidden microphone picked up highly sensitive conversations on team selection with the emphasis on packing the side with all rounders at the expense of specialised bowlers. There was also talk about sending Afridi at one down, and to keep faith with the exisiting openers and wicketkeeper.

The Dhoosra opinion from the DesiLife blog site challenges this failed policy and calls for immediate action to address the failing performance of the Pakistan side. We propose the following actions;

1.Focus on the weak top order, possibly sending in Younis Khan to open. Pakistan are in desperate need of a solid start in the one day game.

2. Why keep your best batsman at no.5, Mohammed Yousaf needs to go in at one down. This player is at the peak of his game, and arguably in the form of his life, it is crucial that he gets maximum exposure to the game.

3.Inzimam can play his natural game in the middle order but needs support so Asim Kamal or another handy left hander needs to be there to bind the team together.

4. The big hitters Afridi & Razaaq should ideally be unleashed in the last 15 overs with a licence to kill. A strong platform and wickets in hand is the crucial formula for these magnificent hitters to unleash their firepower.

5.Give Kamran Akmal a rest and replace him with a new keeper – possibly Zulqarnain Haider.

6.Have specialised bowlers who are capable of bowling sides out, a minimum of three is key which means Kaneria must play to support Mohammed Asif & Shoaib Akhtar/Umar Gul/a fit seamer.

Balti Bath

The classic 99p builders bucket, available at all DIY stores and traditionally the main feature in all desi bathrooms accompanied by the standard 2 litre plastic jug.

Forget power showers it’s time to go back to basics and start using the classic desi balti bath. The black bucket is making a comeback in 2007, so be the trend setters and lead the bucket revolution.

Relive your childhood when your mummy ji bathed you with these simple but highly effective appliances, and pass on this important tradition to your children. Train them in the art of having a balti bath - who needs power showers when you've got the bucket !

Pir Baba on line

Dial a premium rate number and seek spiritual help to solve all your problems – all for the price of a very expensive telephone call.

With the explosion in the numbers of Pakistani satellite channels, and diluting advertising budgets. The television companies have discovered a lucrative income stream - Premium rate telephone service.

Just like the sex lines charge crazy rates so that sad, lonely and desperate men can talk to fat ugly women thinking they are chatting to none other than the lovely Ms Aishwarya Rai. These Pakistani channels are exploiting their desperate viewers by providing spiritual support at a premium rate. I appreciate and sympathise that living in the UK, people can be under tremendous emotional strain, driven by the fast pace of life, the cultural differences, as well as the demands of modern living. But instead of praying to the Almighty Lord for peace and blessings the masses are sold an instant quick fix over the airwaves.

A holy man will listen to your problems, blow a few puffs of air, and recite a few words of prayer and job done! If you fail to see any results there is always the option of follow up bookings or even off-air private consultations at special rates.

This is capitalism in action, with selective pricing and goals of profit maximisation, where money is more important than people’s feelings.

Well I have a request for the Pir Baba’s on line, please don’t exploit peoples emotions for financial gains……..it’s morally wrong and against the spirit of Islam.

Going Topless?

All my life I’ve been planning on buying a really nice car, in the 1970’s as a young boy in shorts the Ford Capri fascinated me. As I grew older and wiser my taste switched to Honda NSX and when I became more financially conscious the MR2 was seen as a more reasonable option.

Unfortunately the car never made it to the top of the priority list, as I had to follow the typical Pakistani fast track plan to keep our “jawaan mundha” on the straight track. Saving up for a marriage, a deposit for a house, an extension for the house and other family matters always took precedence and working a 9 to 5 job there was very little cash remaining at the end of the month.

So there I was driving my trusted motor, a Toyota which for Pakistanis is the number one and most trusted brand of motor vehicle in the whole universe. This manufacturer has passed the taxi driver test in the UK with the Avensis, the endurance test by the Taliban with the Hilux, and the performance/adaptability test by the Pakistani drivers and mechanics on the GT road with the Corolla model.

My car never gave me any thrills, it was like riding a work horse….or even a donkey. Gets you from A to B, is a relatively cheap mode of transport but doesn’t send the adrenalin rushing…what I desperately needed was a thoroughbred racing horse….a beast of an animal with fine muscular looks, and the power to sprint away into the sunset at the slighest pull of the reins. I wanted an Audi A4 convertible!!

The desi take on this,
“Mundha is phagal!”

"Why German ? hey what is wrong with Toyota ? Avensis has sunroof, why you want whole roof off ? you will always catch head cold !!"

“How much? !!!! And you get a fabric roof – you are being ripped of mate !!”

“Why you want this expensive gaddi ?….buy another house, look at Bashir he is a taxi driver and has three houses and a koti in Pakistan. He is an "unpar mangethar" and you are Masha-Allah educated professional office boy….you should have more to show”

WOW……I never expected so much resistance, come on I’m a forty year old just wanting to enjoy life…I don’t smoke, drink, or womanise at least let me have savour some thrills in a car. I just want to go topless in a new convertible A4, put on my shades, play some Atif Aslam tracks and take the scenic route to work. Is that too much to ask ?

Life begins at 40?

If life begins at the grand age of 40, what have I been doing all those years? - A Dhoosra view.

I mean we’re talking about 14,600 "lost" days, that is a long time and my new 2007 collection of wrinkles and grey hairs testify to these lengthy and tough years. The weathered face, the fading memory, slower response times and my distant jawaani is clear evidence to challenge this long held view of life beginning at 40.

Oh and I nearly forgot the physical changes, hair shifting from the head and migrating south to the ears, shoulders and back ! I thought It was only humans who migrated south as they got older………but that hair population is one step ahead of the game.